The Topps of the ’80s

Aahh,  the Holiday season is upon us and what better way to get in the mood than… baseball cards?! What?  That is just silly.  I mean really, baseball = summer, right now = winter.  Who in their right mind would write about such a poorly timed subject? (I know these are the thoughts going through you head right now, I just know it.  and now you’re thinking “How did he know I was thinking that?  I’m thinking it after this has already been written?  Wow!! The dudes amazing!!” and now your thinking, “Shut up and get to the point” so I will)

When I was spending time at my parents house over the extra long weekend, I came across a giant box with a ton of my and my brothers’ old baseball cards.  I couldn’t resist diving in! As I was flipping through them, I thought, “There’s enough ridiculousness in here that I could make a post out of it no problemo.”  I examined so many cards from the ’80’s and was so into finding perfectly corny cards, time just started to fly down memory lane.  After a while, I blacked out, and when I came too, my lips were covered in gum and powdered sugar from ’84 (at least I hope that’s what it was) and I had “fuck face” written all over my arms.  Anyway, it was a wild time and here are just a few little ha ha’s I came up with.

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I would really love to meet the guy or guys in charge of “Rating” the “Rated Rookies” or “Future Stars.” What criteria was used in giving out these awards?  BJ Surhoff. Ron Gant. Mike Campbell.  How does anyONE get the idea these names are headed for greatness, much less, how do these ideas get agreed upon to be mass produced?  How many people had to sign off on these decisions?  If you now anyone who ever rated rookies at any time in their lives, keep them away from your stock portfolio.

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If anyone questions the authenticity of my Gary Roenicke autographed 3rd year card, I will have you charged with first degree slander!!!

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I had a couple of silly quips about the randomness of having a card from the trainer of the 1981 Triple A Portland Beavers until I JUST realized Kent Biggerstaff would have been a heavy weight if I considered him for “Best Name of the ’80’s,” (see below).  Just checked, this card has a listed value of $53,823.58.

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Look at all the contenders Sparky Lyle laid to waste while on his way to winning “Mustache of the ’80’s.”

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I thought this was funny just comparing the sheer intensity of the ’82 wings / curly ‘fro to the ’87 version.  I also wanted to honor Bill Scherrer for being the last player in the “Bigs” to hold on to them.  Way to keep it real.

Drum roll please……

Last but not least, the winner for best name from an ’80’s baseball card iiiiiisssssss…………

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JJJJJOOOOOOHHHNNNNNNYYYYYYYY GGRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!

My sincerest apologies go out to Jerry Don Gleaton, Oddibie McDowell, and Johhny Wockenfuss, but the Grubby One brought it home not only because his last name is Grubb, but the glasses and awkward look as if to say (in the voice of Poindexter) “No, I will not look at your camera, that is final.”  The Grubber’s card really has everything your looking for in an ’80’s baseball card: funny name, awkward pose, picture definitely not taken during a game (look at those empty stands, unless, maybe that is a picture of Grubber-ino in action), horrible uniform,  Coke bottle glasses, and the little hat down the bottom lets everyone know it’s from 1981.  Congrats Grubb-alicious!!  Today, you are a champion.

Whew, who else wants to dip a 3 inch piece of cardboard into powdered sugar and chew on it for like 7 minutes?  If anyone has any cards that can rival these (not that I’m claiming these are the greatest cards or anything), PLEASE email me or post them on the comments section if you can, or on my Facebook wall.  They will be shared here.

And just another reminder to click through the link on the left when shopping on Amazon.  There are a couple of new products being endorsed by the staff here at FCC, so check them out.  Click through the link.  Click through the link. Click through the link.  Have you remembered yet?  How about now?

Thank you for sharing this blog with friends and coworkers. Thank you so much for reading it too.

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3 thoughts on “The Topps of the ’80s”

  1. What about Buddy Biancalana? I always tried to stretch this name out like I was announcing him as a contestant on a game show anytime I saw his card as a kid. It would be worth everyone’s time to do a google image search for Gorman Thomas (Ron Jeremy of MLB in the 70’s).

    1. Oh, I totally forgot about him. Just to let you in on a little secret, these “awards” were not extensively researched. That is fun to say though: BUUUUUUDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! We gotta get Michael Buffer to hook this up.

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