When I’m President….

I am just going to do a free write for 20 minutes.  So what the heck am I going to write about.  I used to do this every day back in the old country. I remember those days when I would make myself write 500 words every single day. What did I used to write about? I think a lot of it was “so I just have a little more to go before I fill this page up….” And that kind of stuff, but it would be totally worth it for the times when I hit a groove and really got super descriptive or on a good train of thought.  What is the thought in the very front of my brain…. Man I am full of cake. When are we as a society going to end the insistence on desserts and sweets all the time for everything? The time I noticed there was a serious problem was the first time I saw the snack isles at Staples. It shows how common it is to sit still and eat junk. When I’m elected president, on my second day, I will enact a law making it illegal to transport more than a certain number of servings of desserts. I will have to consult my cabinet for an exact amount, but I’m thinking anyone caught with more than 8 servings of sweets in their car will be subject to a fine of $50-100 per serving (again, my cabinet will help me reach an exact number).  This will put an end to the office birthday cakes for EVERYONE’S birthday, the aunt who brings 28 cupcakes and 50 cookies to a family gathering of 12 people, the ensuing take-home tray that no one wants to take, but no one  can say no to, and will give bloggers who are also fathers of two, um I mean “people” with self regulation issues something to think about when they are in the mood for a “Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked and Shaw’s Chocolate Chip Cookies” sandwich for dinner.  This rule will not limit the amount of dessert ingredients one can transport, but really, who is going to show up at a holiday party and set up shop in the kitchen. This rule will also make going out for dessert much more acceptable, causing an increase in dessert stands, ice cream parlors, and eat-in bakeries.  Most importantly, this will cause people to burn calories, with either thought or actions, in order to consume mass quantities of calories. I’m trying to think of how people could work around the law. There are the obvious smuggling methods, you know, meeting a baker in a dark alley, removing the hollow passenger and putting grandmas birthday cake in there. But how could one get around it on a technicality, not just simply breaking the law…. I can’t really think of anything. It is a pretty straightforward rule.  It will be vetted by my cabinet, but certainly not in committee.  I plan on making this an “executive order,” no debate.  I will not let the lawmakers and Big Dessert get their paws on this one.  The stakes are just too high.

 

FYI: On my first day in office, I would create a list of songs / artists that would be banned from being played in public space. These songs will not be allowed in grocery stores, malls, and anywhere else large crowds of people gather (with the exception of clubs, concerts, and other places where entrance is paid and voluntary). Count your days “Love Shack” and “Boys of Summer.”

 

 

In celebration of Beck Month, I have developed a game called “Beck or Jibberish.”  I have chosen random Beck lyrics, came up with a couple of nonsensical phrases myself, and some lines from other random songs.  You, the reader are to pick which is which.

 

  1. 1.       Mouthwash jukebox gasoline
  2. 2.       Peace and love and telephone’s off their hooks
  3. 3.       Get crazy with the cheesewhiz
  4. 4.       Hop in my Chrysler, it’s as big as a whale
  5. 5.       Grapes hanging from the vine with the moon in the stars
  6. 6.       Purple monkey dishwasher in the rear
  7. 7.       The last thing he said he didn’t want no shortnin in his bread
  8. 8.       Lights go out and I can’t be saved
  9. 9.       Face down in the guarantees
  10. 10.    Damn, I feel like a woman

 

 

 

Click through the link on the left when shopping on Amazon, by the way.

 

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